I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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