i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
