Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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