Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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