Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
