the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
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I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
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He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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