literally had 100 drinks last night.
I wish I only lived at night.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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