She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
