I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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