I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
