i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
