piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
