My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
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Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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