Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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