i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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