You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
