Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
