Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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