please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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