The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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