he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
