I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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