the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
