Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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