Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Dating After Heartbreak
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.