ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?