She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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