worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
