while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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