I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
