genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
