see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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