all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
