she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
