I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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