I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
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Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
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Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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