i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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