This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I pour the whiskey from now on
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
