2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
