im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
