Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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