Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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