it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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