I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
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He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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