Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
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How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
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But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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