why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
