my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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