Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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