I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
