We got so high we made milksteak
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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