Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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