I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Randomize
