Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
