the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
