so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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